of privacy and being unwanted;
this blog is private baby! :D
Just somehow, i feel restricted knowing that some people, who are not supposed to be reading, might read whatever i'm going to blog about, and feel offended about it.
this year didn't start on a very good note. firstly, my 2008 nov-dec holidays wasn't well spent. WHY?
4WEEKS3WEEKS. Gosh, I feel so neeedy.
Seriously, i've sacrificed so much to perform for manifest. quit dragonboat, which i love and have so much passion for. time that could have been spent on studying. Will it all worth it? It better be. It WILL be. I will make it that way.
Why do I always get trapped in such sticky situations?
In J1, I regretted joining dikir so much. I still do. I've never regretted anything so much. I know that firstly, I am extremely slow at catching ragams. Secondly, I am not lembut at all. Thirdly, I'm a loner there. I don't know whether its me or them. I know lah I'm freaking ugly looking and all, but at least talk to me once in a while or acknowledge my existence with a smile. I still wonder what's wrong with me. people like you make me feel so UNWANTED AND USELESS. And, I remember I practised my pidato steps at home in front of the mirror like a freaking loser the whole night. And then what? The next day, they told me they wanted to make me play the maracas or canang/gong. THANKS. If I'm not good enough, why don't you just FREAKING TELL ME STRAIGHT INTO MY PATHETIC FACE? I would have KINDLY GOT MY BUTT OUT. I've never felt like such a LOSER. Thinking about it, my sister was right, just because I love dikir as a performing art doesn't mean I will be/am good at it.
Oh, and just today, dikir practice at SUNPLAZA PARK TOTALLY PISSED ME OFF. Stupid dikir boys half naked, playing soccer at the amphitheatre area. Firstly, ever heard of a field? If you're too dumb to realize, that is where people play soccer at. Secondly, don't play if you guys are such lousy players la, cause your aiming sucks; forever kicking the ball towards us. MY ARM HURTS BODOH. Thirdly, keep your shirts on cause no one wants to see your FLABBY BODIES. kalau ader 6 pac ke 8 pac ke takpe. NI BABAT SIA, DISTURBING SIGHT. Fourth, even if you want to kill yourself using those cancer sticks, GO SMOKE SOMEWHERE ELSE, CB. Don't bring us along to the grave with you. Tak pernah aku nampak orang rokok sambil main bola. BODOH nak MAMPOS. And dengar2 only 2 weeks left to Manifest ah? And you boys are not only a pathetic number of less than ten, but your songs are not even done yet. And what's this with practices ending till late at night? What is the freaking point of such long practices but no productivity. Puhlease.
Okay I'm getting too angsty and vulgar. This is so not me. but I'm just fuming mad, really. Tired of all this crap. But I realize, it's things like this that want me to make my 2 shitty years in TPJC SO FREAKING WORTH IT. Never in my entire life do i want to go through all this shit again.
After Manifest, it will be just focusing for SA2. I AM SO GEARED UP! I want to score my A's and B's for once. No more E's lah please. I'm already freaking J2! I don't want to just TRY, I want to DO IT. I want to make it. To prove myself to myself. No more disappointments. I had enough of all that. 10 years of academic failure was more than enough. It's time for a change.
Just somehow, i feel restricted knowing that some people, who are not supposed to be reading, might read whatever i'm going to blog about, and feel offended about it.
this year didn't start on a very good note. firstly, my 2008 nov-dec holidays wasn't well spent. WHY?
- This dikir performance which i stupidly brainlessly volunteered to perform for which got cancelled in the end. WASTE OF TIME & EFFORT.
- Hospital visits. Grandma & great grandma passing. never in my entire life i've lost the 2 of the most important people in my life, in just a month. All those nights spent crying and days spent just depressing over it. Sigh.
- Bintan trip. Okay, this one is an exception, it was WELL SPENT.
Seriously, i've sacrificed so much to perform for manifest. quit dragonboat, which i love and have so much passion for. time that could have been spent on studying. Will it all worth it? It better be. It WILL be. I will make it that way.
Why do I always get trapped in such sticky situations?
In J1, I regretted joining dikir so much. I still do. I've never regretted anything so much. I know that firstly, I am extremely slow at catching ragams. Secondly, I am not lembut at all. Thirdly, I'm a loner there. I don't know whether its me or them. I know lah I'm freaking ugly looking and all, but at least talk to me once in a while or acknowledge my existence with a smile. I still wonder what's wrong with me. people like you make me feel so UNWANTED AND USELESS. And, I remember I practised my pidato steps at home in front of the mirror like a freaking loser the whole night. And then what? The next day, they told me they wanted to make me play the maracas or canang/gong. THANKS. If I'm not good enough, why don't you just FREAKING TELL ME STRAIGHT INTO MY PATHETIC FACE? I would have KINDLY GOT MY BUTT OUT. I've never felt like such a LOSER. Thinking about it, my sister was right, just because I love dikir as a performing art doesn't mean I will be/am good at it.
Oh, and just today, dikir practice at SUNPLAZA PARK TOTALLY PISSED ME OFF. Stupid dikir boys half naked, playing soccer at the amphitheatre area. Firstly, ever heard of a field? If you're too dumb to realize, that is where people play soccer at. Secondly, don't play if you guys are such lousy players la, cause your aiming sucks; forever kicking the ball towards us. MY ARM HURTS BODOH. Thirdly, keep your shirts on cause no one wants to see your FLABBY BODIES. kalau ader 6 pac ke 8 pac ke takpe. NI BABAT SIA, DISTURBING SIGHT. Fourth, even if you want to kill yourself using those cancer sticks, GO SMOKE SOMEWHERE ELSE, CB. Don't bring us along to the grave with you. Tak pernah aku nampak orang rokok sambil main bola. BODOH nak MAMPOS. And dengar2 only 2 weeks left to Manifest ah? And you boys are not only a pathetic number of less than ten, but your songs are not even done yet. And what's this with practices ending till late at night? What is the freaking point of such long practices but no productivity. Puhlease.
Okay I'm getting too angsty and vulgar. This is so not me. but I'm just fuming mad, really. Tired of all this crap. But I realize, it's things like this that want me to make my 2 shitty years in TPJC SO FREAKING WORTH IT. Never in my entire life do i want to go through all this shit again.
After Manifest, it will be just focusing for SA2. I AM SO GEARED UP! I want to score my A's and B's for once. No more E's lah please. I'm already freaking J2! I don't want to just TRY, I want to DO IT. I want to make it. To prove myself to myself. No more disappointments. I had enough of all that. 10 years of academic failure was more than enough. It's time for a change.
posted by atiqaaaaah at
12:45 AM
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